Mental Health Log#1 | You are not alone

What I am doing right now is not easy; just starting this was not easy; lifting my finger to type the first word was not easy. If you are someone who has this deep tingling sensation in your chest because you want something and does not know what it is, then trust me. I know how it feels. #bekind

Please note that the blog is very personal to me and it would be so wonderful if you use it to your benefit and not otherwise.

The beginnings

I know what the sensation feels like, and I know how lopsided the brain can be. I have spent hours wondering why I feel empty, what I want, still unable to put a finger on something. The sensations get better only once I distract myself with a game or videos. And yes, sugar is always a getaway.

To be clear, I am neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist — I am not even close to one. I am only another human out there suffering from mental health. I request you to not try the things I mention in my blog without speaking with your health professional first. Mental health is a risky affair. However, I do encourage you to reflect on my writings in your own life and do simple things or even start with something. That is my goal here. Also, I do not earn a dime by writing this blog.

The term anxiety is not new. Many of us are receptive to it, and most probably have someone around us who is suffering. But how bad can anxiety be? Seriously, everyone goes through anxiety at some point in their life, but that does not mean everyone has a mental disorder. I asked this question to my therapist and she said, “if it’s bothering you, if it’s harming your immediate environment and daily functioning, then it is a disorder. You are here asking me this question because you need help.” And it was true.

After years of suffering, I finally decided to decode what was happening to me and when the reality struck, I could not embrace it immediately. My mental health has only downgraded from that point.

Trust me, we all have problems in life, and we all suffer in some form or the other. There is no human out there who can say that life is easy, even if it may seem like it.

So, are we special?

I did not realize I have mental health problems until a few years back when I was going through a bad break-up. And yes, for most of us, that is all it takes — a break-up. I know everyone goes through one, but it cannot always push you into a mental trauma. What it did to me was that it triggered and accelerated all my mental health conditions by 100%. I have a variety of problems: Trichotillomania, Excoriation Disorder, and mild Myoclonic seizures.

At the outset, I may seem like a normal human to anyone (which by the way I am), but no one can guess I have 3 mental health conditions along with depression. It is not visible to the human eye. Of course, I cannot carry a board with me telling people why I am the way I am and what I am going through. However, over the period of time, I have learned to make peace with myself. And it all came with a cost.

I was only 7 when I had my first big episode of Excoriation Disorder — I chewed the knuckle skin from my index finger. I had a sensation in my gut and my chest, and that sensation had to calm down. What triggered the sensation was that I could not give the right answer to a teacher’s question. You would be like — are you kidding me? But I am not. I was only 7 and nobody taught me to eat my skin when I get stressed; the coping mechanism was an automatic response. I did not choose to do this.

Over the years, I could not explain to people around me why I do this, not even to my parents. My parents scolded me, my friends and colleagues ridiculed me, strangers asked me questions as to what the scars on my skin are, and I had no answer. I was not ashamed, and I ignored it. I continued to ignore until things got darker. I found myself spending 4 hours each day just picking hair and skin out of my body, often going to sleep only once I felt tired or my hands hurt. My happy and comfortable place, something that gave me this relaxation as if I just got out of a massage parlor. That is when I knew I have an abnormal behavioral issue, and that I must seek help. I was already 27 by then.

The damage was done.

To be continued…

Love,
SG